Saturday, March 29, 2014

Wherein I lose my Treasure...

When I wrote to you all months ago that I was going to attempt to post more about my personal life, I had no idea that I would find myself compelled to share with you... this, the most deeply personal and painful thing to ever happen to me.

Ten days ago, my Mama passed away.

And almost as much as I feel the urge to call my sister, or my aunts (whom my mama affectionately referred to as "the treasures"), or my best friend, or my mama herself to find solace in this impossible time, I feel the urge to talk to you, dear readers. I know that my posts can be trite sometimes, really, I blog about stuff, things that no one can take with them in the end, but I feel that regardless, you've all been there for me these last several years. I have come to think of you all as my friends, my circle... my people.

The last month has been the hardest of my life. I feel that I have grown, grown too big, reached my limit, shattered, been pressed down, hardened and remade into another form that better fits the reality that I suddenly find myself in. I arrived in Nebraska 28 years old, wearing sneakers and a t-shirt with a dinosaur on it. I left, so very, very old.
For two weeks after I wrote to you all about leaving to look after my Mama in the hospital, I watched her fade away, withdraw and finally say goodby.

March 9th, our whole family was going to be in Nebraska to celebrate my mother's marriage to her Fiancé, Guy -the man she had waited her whole life for. Instead, she was admitted to the hospital and 9 days after the day she was to become a bride, my family instead came together to lay her to rest. She was only 57.

I find that my brain is incapable of understanding a world in which she is gone. Its seems to want to freeze, like an overburdened computer, when it's asked to process this information that is so counter-intuitive to everything else it knows. So I just give it simple tasks, one thing at a time. I do the dishes, I answer a few emails, I watch Glee in my sweatpants - things that don't ask too much of my poor mind. And then I try again.
I know that this is a process and I'm hoping that by attempting one task at a time that I understand, then someday I'll understand this too. I hope.

Thank you all so much for the warm wishes and prayers that you sent my way after my last post. And thank you for being here for me - you have no idea how dear each of you is to me.

--Anna

36 comments:

  1. Sending love and hugs to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. <3

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  2. I am so so sorry that you must endure the pain, the overwhelming sadness. I lost my husband only 15 months ago. He was only a year older than your mama. We knew each other since the third grade and were married over 30 years. I went through such despair and am still traveling the journey of grief. Everyone tells me the grief becomes less sharp, that you will feel better...that is all true. But you have also been changed. The best thing I did was seek grief counseling. My counselor let me know what I was feeling was normal and helped me sort all the conflicting emotions. I wish you well with your grief journey...don't be afraid to laugh, don't be afraid to cry. You deserve to do both and not feel badly about either.

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    1. Thank you, sweetie. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I think I will be seeking a counselor soon.

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  3. My heart breaks for you. May you have all the love, support and understanding you need during your grieving. Thank you for sharing with us.
    Angela W.

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  4. So sorry for your loss x sending love x

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  5. Oh Anna, I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big hug. I'm so sorry for your sad loss. Sending you lots of love xxx

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  6. Hello anna!
    Something told me to check in on your blog just now, and I'm so so sorry to hear about your mum. Let me tell you as someone who has read your blog for a couple of years that your wonder, admiration and love for your mum has always shone through. And of course that never dies. I know it was hard for you to move overseas, that her thoughtful packages of amazingness helped you cope and adjust. I have always imagined her as almost a mythical figure possessing warehouses of pristine vintage treasures, and knowing everything about them too! I lost my best friend and thing I loved the most in December;my dog - please don't think I'm trivializing, she meant everything to me. I was sitting on a rooftop with a friend a few weeks after, an acquaintance of his said hi, he was enjoying some beer with friends as well. we got to talking, we could actually see some stars, unusual in the city, and I think one of the planets was visible, looking like a really visible star. The conversation got kind of spiritual/afterlife themed. The acquaintance's friend suddenly walked over and told us all a story, very seriously. This guy was a very typical looking guy, not someone who you'd think would be predisposed to metaphysical thought; he prefaced his story as such. Last February (this was in January, so Feb 2013), his mother had passed away, and they had been close. Naturally he was very upset. A few weeks later, he was sitting in a bar when a girl who he had never met before approached him. "I just wanted to tell you that your mum says hi". His first reaction was anger- what the f- are you talking about? "Your mum says hi!" They went outside and talked for two hours, he told us that she knew things between him and his mother that even his father and brother didn't know. And I have no doubt his story was true. It made me feel a little better and that's why I'm telling it to you. Comfort is a foreign concept right now, but remember love does not die. Big hugs from Canada.

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  7. So sorry, Anna. Grieving takes time. Allow yourself that. I hope you are able to find the support and help that you need to help you get through this.

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  8. Anna, I'm so sorry for your loss! Many thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

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  9. Your post brings back to me that sense of existing inside a glass bubble, separated from the rest of the world, which I felt when my son was in a coma. You put one foot in front of the other, you sit & eat when someone puts food in front of you, you go to bed when the clock say so. But it all seems unfocussed & empty.
    Having friends' & family support is the most wonderful thing. It will help you come out the other side. Eventually.
    Meanwhile, we're all thinking of you too.

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  10. Oh Anna… Take your time, and remember all the good things your mom gave you!

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  11. I am so sorry. I lost my beloved mother when she was only 55, and I know how horrible it is to lose someone too soon and too suddenly. I pray that you are blessed with the strength to keep you going through this difficult time.

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  12. Anna, I am very sorry to hear your news today. I have enjoyed your blog and store, so I wanted to reach out to share my condolences to you and your family.

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  13. Anna, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a parent is so hard, but it gives you a perspective on life that is unique. I lost my mom when I was a teenager, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm only an email away.

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  14. Hugs, Anna. I'm so very sorry to hear that your mother has died. Grieve however you need to, and sadly it will be longer than many people are comfortable hearing about ... it either reminds them of their own losses or they've never experienced it yet and lack empathy.

    My dad died when I was 24 and although it wasn't a happy relationship, grief is still grief. Hugs and please talk to your online tribe when you need to.

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  15. I'm so sorry, Anna. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss. Words fail me, but I hope that you have a lot of support and love around you in this really difficult time. Rachel

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss Anna. Take lots of time for yourself to grieve.

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  18. Anna, I am so sorry. I hope you can take the time you need to heal. All our love and friendship is here whenever you need it. Our thoughts and prayers go out to your treasures and family too x

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  19. I'm feeling a little awkward right now as I only know you through your blog, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm not the praying type but I still send my thoughts and hope you can rely on people you love for support.

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  20. Oh my - there are no words... I am so sorry to hear of this! Perhaps I can come up with something better to say later, but for now, please know that my thoughts are with you - and know from all of these well wishes from your blog readers that you are not alone...

    *HUG*

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  21. Hi Anna, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through, but we're all here for you. I'm happy that you decided to share this personal information with us so we can give you some our love & sympathies.

    Lots of *hugs*

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  22. I send you lots of virtual hugs.We have just buried my MIL, so I know the feeling.

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  23. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

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  24. Dearest Anna, I am so sad to hear of the passing of your mama. She must have been one fabulous person to raise such a wonderful daughter. I love how your mama considered sisters and aunts to be treasures, it is a beautiful way of describing such precious relationships. I always thought it so sweet the way you talked about your mama on this blog (long before she was hospitalized even), it is clear that she meant a great deal to you. Thank you for sharing your stories of her and allowing those of us who have never known her to impacted in a lovely way by her life - I think I shall start referring to my sisters as treasures now.

    Take care as you work through your grief and sadness. I will continue to pray for healing and peace for your family during this time. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. Hugs

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  25. There are no words to express my deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother. May you find the healing that you so desperately need as time goes on.

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  26. Sending good thoughts your way. xoxo

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  27. Anna, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I hope that you are able to find comfort in the support of those around you during this painful and challenging time.

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  28. _._ I don't know what I will do when that day comes. Wishing you clear pathways to all the best memories.

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  29. Oh Anna, I can't even imagine. {{{{HUGS}}}} dear lady.

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  30. I can't imagine your sorrow. Every time you pinned something new on Pinterest, I thought of you and hoped everything was ok. I'm so sorry to know it wasn't.

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  31. Oh, dearie, I am so sorry for your loss. Don't try to fill up the mama-shaped hole she's left in your life; but don't let yourself fall into that hole, either. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve, and to remember how to breathe. Don't feel that you have to apologize to anyone, any where or any time, when you dissolve into tears. Those tears will wash away the worst of the hurt, eventually.

    Oh, and here's a tip from some widowed friends of mine: Take your big cry each day while you are in the shower. Your face is going to get waterlogged, anyway; and you can blame your red eyes on soap.

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  32. I'm so sorry for your loss! My best friend died over 10 years ago and I was a mess. I still miss her and grieve for her now but the terrible aching part where it's painful just to function is well behind me now - it does get easier with time. For now I hope you can look after yourself the way your mother would have wished you to. Lots of love, Gabrielle xxx

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  33. I am way behind on my blog reading and just read about the loss of your mother. I am truly sorry for your loss. It is hard to loose one's mother; I experienced this over 10 years ago. It does get easier to adjust to but I still have such good memories and at times still brings me to tears. Again I am sorry to learn about your loss; a cyber hug from one blogger to another.

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  34. My heart breaks for you reading this - I'm so sorry to hear about your devastating loss. There are no words that can ease the pain of losing someone so dear to you, but as my own dear mum would say, "the separation is only temporary - we will all be together again someday" You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend XOXO

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